sleeping problems. again. tsk

my body clock is totally ruined. yesterday i went to healthway to have a check-up. turns out i have acute tonsillopharyngitis and possibly upper respiratory tract infection. the doctor just gave me antibiotics. anyway, while i was waiting there i kept on thinking that i want the doctor to find something because then there would be a reason for me not to go to work. well, i got what i wanted. i actually looked forward to that much needed rest but my body seems to be against it. i slept at around 11pm woke up at 1am, slept again and then woke up at 3am so now i'm here blogging. and this sucks. i want sleep. huhu. tomorrow's the start of september. lots of birthdays. lots of things i'm waiting to unfold. i just pray that it'll turn out better than the last two months. doing something you don't really love's taking its toll. sheesh. i miss college. i miss all my friends especially my ever dearest 8c people. i even miss studying.

rain, rain go away come again another day little daine2 wants to play. haay. i never really hated the rain until this year.

settling with the unfamiliar

most of my life i've chosen the easy path, that which i know i'm bound to be good at or at least that which i know i could stand to let go in case i fail. failure was never really part of my vocabulary. i don't engage in something that i can't finish. simply put, i don't take big risks because i hate getting disappointed. and maybe that's why up to now i've never really learned that much. i know these things in theory but i never really put them in practice. so maybe i still don't know a lot, i just think i do. and i think it's about time to take that jump into unknown waters. i may be afraid of deep sea creatures but at least i know how to swim.

hello blog world!

kung mapapansin nyo 3 months na kong hindi nagbblog (as if naman may nagvisit pa ng blog na to) pero to those who still found time to do so in the last three months sorry for the lack of updates. so baka mahaba tong entry na to. haha. anyway, with this new entry i opt to begin with a quote (in fairness ang hirap talaga magtype ng mahaba yung nails. grr. kelangan ko na mahanap nailcutter namin mamaya. haha)going back, eto na yung quote:

The best laid schemes o' mice and men often go astray. - Robert Burns

di ko naman kilala si Robert Burns although pwede ko sya igoogle pero tinatamad ako. nakuha ko yan sa book na binigay ng pinsan ko sakn Who Moved My Cheese yung title actually hindi ko pa siya tapos basahin kahit sobrang nipis lang nya. hindi ko alam kung dahil naaasar ako kasi parang sinulat siya para sa mga sobrang tanga or dahil wala pa naman ako sa situation wherein makakarelate ako dun. basta supposedly "it's an amazing way to deal with change in your work and in your life" as stated in the cover. pero yung quote asa preface lang ng book at dun ako nakarelate.haha.bakit?kasi yan na lang ang tangi kong ginagamit na explanation kung bakit ako asa position na kinalalagyan ko.never in my life did i imagine myself to be working in a call center. parang napasubo talaga ko nung nagapply ako sa hsbc. masaya yung training sobra. pero pag dating na sa floor nakakastress kasi ang hirap mag-adjust sa working hours. tapos every now and then i remember thinking that i wouldn't go do something which i don't love. and i hate taking in calls although nakakatawa pagkwentuhan yung mga nakakausap mong mga tao. pero sobrang challenge sya sakn kasi i was never really good at socializing e ganun yung gustong ipagawa sakn sa mga tumatawag. e kamusta naman ilang minuto lang kaming nag-uusap tapos tanga pa yung iba tapos sigaw pa ng sigaw yung iba. pero hindi naman ako overly depressed sa ginagawa ko kasi masaya naman ang team namin. tska pag tinitingnan ko rin yung long term effect niya sa buhay ko mukhang maganda naman as long as hindi na ko magtake ng calls after ako maregularize. hehe. kung hindi mangyari yun magreresign na talaga ko. actually ilang beses ko na yan naisip kasi alam ko namang marami namang ibang trabaho dyan tapos parang nasasayang ko pa yung mga pinag-aralan ko. pero pinasok ko yung sarili ko dito so gusto kong tapusin.

pero ngayon, generally, i am lost. kasi i've always known what i wanted. simple lang naman e makatungtong sa corporate ladder tapos i'll work my way up from there pero hindi sobrang taas na wala na kong time para sa magiging pamilya ko. gusto ko parang mama ko. hehe. pero sa gov't sya ngtatrabaho at gusto ko din ng pera kaya alam kong hindi ako pwede sa gov't. so ngayon na ko nagkakaproblema kasi parang hindi ko yan nagagawa. i never saw myself in this position pero hindi rin naman ako nag-eeffort na mawala sa position na to dahil hindi ko na alam kung ano ba talagang dapat kong gawin na specific para mafullfill ko ang aspiration na yan. siguro kasi swerte ako in a sense na ever since feeling ko tama yung mga naging choices ko in life. oo maraming challenges na biglang makakaharap mo pero kung tutuusin saglit lang sila tapos eventually makakarating na ko sa summerhouse ko. sanay na ko sa short-term hindrances . so ngayon iniisip ko na tuloy kung dapat bang ilabas ko na yung compass at map para hindi na ko nawawala sa woods at para mapabilis ang pagbalik ko sa summerhouse. pero ang tanong ko namang isa pa, kelangan ko bang magmadali? baka naman pag ginamit ko nga yung map at compass mas mawala pa ko kasi hindi ko naman sila alam gamitin tska baka naman mangyayari pa rin yung nakasanayan ko yun nga lang at a different pace. baka kasi mas malaki na yung gusto kong summerhouse kaya mas mahirap na siyang marating. ewan ko ba ang weird ng utak ko. siguro okay lang naman talaga sakn na nawawala ako kasi hindi na naman bago yun. nga lang kelangan kong tanggapin na baka mas matagal siya this time. tska i have to live up to the choices i made. yan hindi na lang pertaining sa work. i really have to learn how to accept the unexpected and just deal with it. parang hindi na ko natuto. tsk. anyway, sana hindi kayo maweirduhan kasi may metaphor pa ko. haha

i feel so detached sa mundo ngayon. sorry sa mga kaibigan kong hindi ko nabibigyan ng oras. tintry ko naman talagang magawa ang lahat. pero kelangan ko na atang tanggapin na there would always be some point in time when i'll disappoint someone including myself. no one can have it all. contentment lang ang kailangan.

ps: feeling ko napakaincoherent ng mga nakasulat dito. pero tinatamad na kong ayusin pa sila.